There is a difficult balance that comes with grief.
In the early years when grief was new and raw I found myself having to fight for my right to grieve with some aquaintences, friends and family. Those who didn't give their blessings for me to 'not be over it yet'.
Now it has been over 9 years, I feel like it is me who has to be mindful of my grief not having a negative impact on my life. Even though my grief no longer impacts consistent and regular moments in my days it is always there. Every mother who has lost a child is aware of this!
However, I feel like there needs to be a time frame for when you can no longer allow this grief to hold you back from living happily or from creating, thinking or feeling things the way you deserve.
You need to release yourself from the fear of letting go more fragments of the grief that impede on you moving forward and living your life to the full.
This letting go and releasing is not the same as forgetting about your child or no longer celebrating their life. It is about living your life!
To me this phase means you release the fear that you will never be enough without them. It is when you no longer hold back parts of your feelings, thoughts or dreams; incase it is not fair to the deceased that you live an abundant life if they are not in it. After all, you know your loved one would want nothing more than for you to be as free as they are from pain.
For me this realisation occurred when I screamed at my cat for stealing my 'son's toy' that would have been placed in his nursery. Then it occurred to me... Who was I saving this object for? My son would never need it. As I angrily screamed: 'It is mine!' I realised it was not. My son was no longer mine either.
It was time to let go a little bit more. To untangle myself from holding on to what I did not have. There was a freedom in this action, despite the pain.
Of course, the timing needs to be right. I understand that holding on helps you feel closer to your loved one for a time. But like with most things time comes to an end and it is time for something new - peace.
Would love to hear your experiences with grief in the comments. Whether you agree or can relate or whether you can't. As always i am aware this is just my experience, it is not everyone's truth.
More of my experiences can be found in my book.
Blessings and light,
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