Wednesday, 21 August 2019

The Balance of Grief

Dear Readers,

There is a difficult balance that comes with grief.

In the early years when grief was new and raw I found myself having to fight for my right to grieve with some aquaintences, friends and family. Those who didn't give their blessings for me to 'not be over it yet'.

Now it has been over 9 years, I feel like it is me who has to be mindful of my grief not having a negative impact on my life. Even though my grief no longer impacts consistent and regular moments in my days it is always there. Every mother who has lost a child is aware of this!

However, I feel like there needs to be a time frame for when you can no longer allow this grief to hold you back from living happily or from creating, thinking or feeling things the way you deserve.

You need to release yourself from the fear of letting go more fragments of the grief that impede on you moving forward and living your life to the full.

This letting go and releasing is not the same as forgetting about your child or no longer celebrating their life. It is about living your life!

To me this phase means you release the fear that you will never be enough without them. It is when you no longer hold back parts of your feelings, thoughts or dreams; incase it is not fair to the deceased that you live an abundant life if they are not in it. After all, you know your loved one would want nothing more than for you to be as free as they are from pain.

For me this realisation occurred when I screamed at my cat for stealing my 'son's toy' that would have been placed in his nursery. Then it occurred to me... Who was I saving this object for? My son would never need it. As I angrily screamed: 'It is mine!' I realised it was not. My son was no longer mine either.

It was time to let go a little bit more. To untangle myself from holding on to what I did not have. There was a freedom in this action, despite the pain.

Of course, the timing needs to be right. I understand that holding on helps you feel closer to your loved one for a time. But like with most things time comes to an end and it is time for something new - peace.

Would love to hear your experiences with grief in the comments. Whether you agree or can relate or whether you can't. As always i am aware this is just my experience, it is not everyone's truth.

More of my experiences can be found in my book.

Blessings and light,

Narelle Hudson

Saturday, 13 July 2019

Your survival guide

Dear Readers,

I recently saw this message when I was scrolling through my feed on social media. I liked it and shared it and then forgot about it. At least I thought I did...

It's little message kept repeating in my head; urging me to explore it further.

This is the soul reason I wrote my book. I believe none of our battles in life are in vain if they help us or others to grow in ways we never could have without these experiences.

I hope my story: 'Holding the Baby Dream' demonstrates to you how strong and resilient you are and how much hope there is for you to get through your battles with infertility and infant loss also. I hope it acts as a survival guide for you as the writing of it did for me.

Love and blessings,

Narelle Hudson 

Friday, 22 March 2019

Experiencing Baby and Infant Loss

Dear Readers,

I saw this on social media this week with thousands of responses beneath it. Just another reminder that so many of us are experiencing loss. 

It is sad so many of us go through this but inspiring that we are sharing and talking about things. This way we don't feel so alone in our pain.

Please share in the comments if you feel guided to.

How far along were you?💗💙

I will start it off with: 💚 23 weeks 3 days 💔

Blessings and light,

Narelle Hudson x

Wednesday, 6 March 2019

Pressures from Society Over Gender of Children

Hi Readers,

I have caught a few conversations lately in the media, in regards to celebrities in particular, but I am aware regular people also experience the same pressure society gives around children.

We all know it starts with: 'Why are you still single?'; Have you found anyone special yet?'; 'Don't worry s/he is out there and will appear when you least expect it'.

It continues with: 'You have been together for a long time, when are you getting married?' 'Do you think s/he will propose soon?'

Then escalates to: 'When are you two having children?' 'Are you planning a family soon?' 'Do you have children?' 'The clock is ticking.. you are not getting any younger you know'. Once you are of a certain age, the confusion and strange looks are common if you do not agree or can't produce the babies everyone expects. Why does everyone assume it is always as simple as: 'we want children = let's have children?'

As if the pressure from others is not already enough before you have children. Then it continues and even escalates after you have had children. As in the article below you have a father defending why he isn't having a boy and only has daughters.

Are we really still not satisfied that we have a bunch of healthy children if they are only one gender. Can we really still be disappointed and not feel let down. Do we have no gratitude for the gifts of life we have already been granted.

I know so many of you, my readers, would not even care what sex their baby was if they were fortunate enough to even be pregnant or carry a healthy baby full-term.

As always it is all perspective but let us not force our perspectives on others.

Blessings until next time.

Narelle Hudson xx

Friday, 1 March 2019

Taking Back Control

Dear Readers,

Something is shifting yet again. I can feel it. It has been a week of feeling stuck, restless, lost, exhausted and disconnected.

The confusing part is that it has also been a week of feeling inspired, powerful, independent and connected.

There has been a symphony of emotions. The ups and downs I remember from past times when life seemed unsteady and I just wasn't sure what was around the next corner.

The last time I felt big waves of these feelings, that are appearing in only glimpses now, I felt like the only way to get control back was to shave my head.

In a time where there were so many areas that I had no control over I took back my power in the only area I had complete control over.

Of course this was a very different time. This was during 5 rounds of IVF. This was when I was trying to fall pregnant and was being poked and prodded. When I felt like everything was against me; not only holding onto this dream of being a mother but more importantly in achieving it.

Now is not such a dramatic or emotionally crippling time. However, there are a few areas I have no control over and I feel powerless to change. This time I am claiming my power back by visiting the hairdresser again.

The plan is not to shave it all off this time but to allow myself to stand out and stop being the meek wallflower I feel like I have become in many ways. To allow the fireiness of my hair to stand up and scream. To stand strong and not stand for the injustices and conformity society demands.

There has come a time for me to step out of the shadows again, as I have done in the past, after the healing was over. To call my own shots and no longer allow others to have all of the control over MY destiny.

How do you find your strength to get up after you have been knocked down? Would love to hear your techniques in the comments section.

Until next time.

Blessings and love,

Narelle Hudson xx

Saturday, 2 February 2019

Thank you!

Dear Readers,

I found this passage in my gratitude journal I am writing in every day this year. It is a perfect 'Thank you' letter to give gratitude for my beautiful soul connection that I was lucky enough to have with my son, River, all be it for a shorter time than I dreamed.

I believe it is a universal message for all those we were fortunate enough to love before we lost them.

Blessings and love, Narelle Hudson  xx

Tuesday, 22 January 2019

Keeping IVF A Secret

Dear Readers,

Throughout my journey through IVF and infertility I found it impossible to keep it a secret. I knew many friends who did and I understood their reasons for the secrets but I could not have held it all in the way they did. For me this would have been too isolating and my IVF journey was definitely one that required a lot of support and understanding from those closest to me.

Don't misinterpret me in thinking I told everyone and anyone who would listen. I certainly did not. I was highly aware that some people could not hear it due to their religious beliefs, narrow-mindedness or simply their inability to accept things far removed from their own experiences.

Those closest to me who couldn't understand ultimately fell away as IVF took so much of my emotional, physical and financial energy; not to mention a lot of my time and thoughts, that I simply had no surplus energy to offer them. True friends who could support me stayed for the long haul and the others stopped calling and writing.

Acquaintances who I was not as emotionally connected to either understood from afar or they simply did not. One religious acquaintance verbally attacked me accusing me of going against God and predicting my baby would not be healthy as what I had done to create him was evil.

Throughout it all I used my intuition to gauge who could accept my present truth and who could not. Some I told to challenge them as I could not accept their judgement. Some I told so they did not feel so alone in their similar journey. Others I told because I needed their support or they needed to know because it affected my job or could explain my moods, appointments or absences.

As I went through my journey of IVF with the people around me who had chosen to stay by my side I marvelled at how the others coped alone.

A friend went through the journey not even telling her in-laws how their grandchildren came to be. I spoke to counselling clients who called me crying in their bedroom because their husband didn't even want to talk to them or know about the process.

I realised early on that infertility and IVF are such taboo topics for so many. Even being happy to be open about my experiences I understood this openness scared a lot of people and I still only had certain circles of people I could talk to about my feelings.

Knowing how many people go through IVF and infertility I did not want all of them to feel alone too. I knew even though it would not be easy or accepted my everyone that I had to share my story of IVF so it was no longer such a secret.

This is what inspired me to share:
'Holding the Baby Dream' with you all.

No more secrets! Instead let's open a conversation about IVF and support the ones we love so they don't have to go through this crazy journey in silence.

Blessings until next time,

Narelle Hudson

Mothers Day as a childless woman.

Hi Readers, May has already been a very emotional month for me so far, for quite a few reasons. Sunday May 1st saw us honour those who have ...