Saturday, 7 May 2016
Mothers Day; also conveniently the birthday of our son, River, and the day that he passed. Divine or just cruel? There will always be a mixture of celebration and grief in this day.
To make matters worse it is the day that most females celebrate being a mother. I feel torn. What am I meant to celebrate? Is it that I was your mother, while you grew inside me for 23 weeks and 2 day or is it that I held you for forty-five minutes? Yes, I can find joy in this and I feel blessed for every moment we had together.
But, how can I find joy in this day when this is the day you magically arrived in our lives too early and then left way too soon? This is the day you were taken as quickly as you came.
Today, if you were still here with us, you would be 6 years old. Someone said to my husband the other day, when he showed emotion, 'but that was such a long time ago'. Why must grief have a time limit at all? If you can function in the every day and then just feel overly sad or emotional on anniversaries does this not mean you are merely human? I don't believe there can be an exact measure of time that it takes to get over the death of a son.
Time is a funny concept, it can go so slowly if you are waiting for something special to arrive or go so fast if you are enjoying yourself. Where grief is concerned I believe time matters little.
I, myself cope so much better these days than I have in the past. On a day-to-day basis I cope well with my grief and feel blessed that you were my son. I speak with people on a regular basis, at work, who are trying to be the best parent they can be and even when I can clearly hear that they are not doing so well, I can accept that this was just not my path. I believe I am able to feel blessed that I was a part of your life and that you were a part of mine.
That is why it is so strange that I can feel so strong and then your birthday/Mother's Day arrives and it knocks me over again.
But I congratulate myself on the strength it has taken to get to this point. I give myself permission to feel low for this day and to reflect. Knowing it is not unreasonable after everything I have been through to have an off day on a day as monumental as this one. I need to be kind to myself as in general I believe humans are pretty hard task-masters on themselves and don't allow themselves this time to feel.
Mostly I am sorry that I made my mother cry on Mother's Day when I burst into tears when she wished me Happy Mother's Day. Mostly I am thankful for my husband who always has been my rock whenever I have needed support.
To all of you out there. Happy Mother's Day, no matter what state this day finds you in, know you are special and everything is meant to be just what it is; for you right now in this moment.
at May 07, 2016
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