Monday, 11 January 2016

Other people's new babies - joyous or terrifying?

I realised today how far I have actually come.

I have come to a place where I actually want to see other people's baby photos.
A place where I scroll down the Facebook feeds and actually pause to look at my friends latest baby photos, with a smile.

This is such a lovely place to be compared to the dark places I have been before.
I feel so peaceful knowing that I can be happy for my friends little miracles and ooh and ahh like all the 'normal' women around me.

Those dark days now seem like a distant memory, but they are not forgotten.
I remember scrolling through the news feed on Facebook and when I got to friend's baby pictures I would feel all bitter and twisted inside. I would feel jealous and annoyed and even angry. Angry at the universe for not letting me have that privilege. Annoyed that I did not have my wishes answered; when the sheer volume of these pictures clearly proved that everyone else could have a baby. Each picture was a very clear reminder of everything I was enduring and that it was not working out. Then I would feel guilty for feeling these horrible emotions in the first place for my friends in their times of joy.

Then I would just avoid Facebook altogether, unless it was a day I felt like doing some 'emotional cutting' to toughen myself up and immune myself to the pain of it all.

If you are in this place right now, trust me, I understand your pain and your emotions better than all those 'normal' ladies who can ooh and ahh over a baby picture any time of the day.

If this is you right now I want you to know that this grief phase will pass my beautiful friend. There will come a day soon where you will be able to find joy in other people's baby miracles. I know you think that this will only be possible when you have your own baby miracle. I thought this too once. Although I know now, from personal experience, that you can find joy in other people's blessings, even when you are not bestowed with the same blessing yourself.

Of course it takes time. So be patient with yourself my friend. However, one day soon you will feel 'normal' again, even if right now it is very hard to imagine.

Until next time,

Blessings and light,

Narelle Hudson.

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