Monday, 11 January 2016
I realised today how far I have actually come.
I have come to a place where I actually want to see other people's baby photos.
A place where I scroll down the Facebook feeds and actually pause to look at my friends latest baby photos, with a smile.
This is such a lovely place to be compared to the dark places I have been before.
I feel so peaceful knowing that I can be happy for my friends little miracles and ooh and ahh like all the 'normal' women around me.
Those dark days now seem like a distant memory, but they are not forgotten.
I remember scrolling through the news feed on Facebook and when I got to friend's baby pictures I would feel all bitter and twisted inside. I would feel jealous and annoyed and even angry. Angry at the universe for not letting me have that privilege. Annoyed that I did not have my wishes answered; when the sheer volume of these pictures clearly proved that everyone else could have a baby. Each picture was a very clear reminder of everything I was enduring and that it was not working out. Then I would feel guilty for feeling these horrible emotions in the first place for my friends in their times of joy.
Then I would just avoid Facebook altogether, unless it was a day I felt like doing some 'emotional cutting' to toughen myself up and immune myself to the pain of it all.
If you are in this place right now, trust me, I understand your pain and your emotions better than all those 'normal' ladies who can ooh and ahh over a baby picture any time of the day.
If this is you right now I want you to know that this grief phase will pass my beautiful friend. There will come a day soon where you will be able to find joy in other people's baby miracles. I know you think that this will only be possible when you have your own baby miracle. I thought this too once. Although I know now, from personal experience, that you can find joy in other people's blessings, even when you are not bestowed with the same blessing yourself.
Of course it takes time. So be patient with yourself my friend. However, one day soon you will feel 'normal' again, even if right now it is very hard to imagine.
Until next time,
Blessings and light,
Friday, 1 January 2016
Happy 2016 to all of you!
Happy 2016 to those who are struggling with fertility issues and hoping 2016 is the year you will finally become pregnant or give birth to a healthy baby.
Happy 2016 to those of you who have walked the hard roads through IVF and are now pregnant and awaiting your first child. (One beautiful friend comes to mind in particular, you know who you are T.).
Happy 2016 to those of you who have recently welcomed your baby into the world after all the difficult mountains you had to climb. (Another lovely childhood friend comes into mind, you know who you are K.)
Happy 2016 to those of you who have suffered great losses and are feeling battered and bruised by life.
Happy 2016 to those of you who have helped a loved one through their own personal struggles of infertility and you have never wavered or walked away - but remained by their side throughout all the storms they have faced.
I, myself am looking forward to a beautiful 2016, filled with much love, peace and joy.
2016 is the year my beautiful son, River would have turned 6. I feel blessed every day that I think of my beautiful angel baby and the precious moments, although fleeting, that he spent with us, down here on earth.
2016 is the year I believe my book: 'Holding the Baby Dream' will be completed and ready for you all to finally have a copy of.
2016 is the year that my book may be selected by the famous publishing house (that will remain anonymous for now) and prepared so it can be that much closer to reaching millions of you on the shelves in bookstores.
Happy 2016 to you all, no matter where you sit under our beautiful moon tonight! To a year of many untold possibilities and dreams coming true for each and every one of you.
Blessings and light,
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