Wednesday, 14 December 2016

Editing Holding The Baby Dream


This is the last post for 2017. Thank you for following my Blog this year and I hope you all have a lovely Christmas and a great start to the New Year.

'Holding The Baby Dream' has been edited by my professional editor and has now been returned to me. I have spent much time this week making the changes suggested. However, I am going to China for a much deserved holiday next week and the progress on the book will be paused until 2017. I promise you will definitely be able to get your copy early next year.

As I have been revising my manuscript I have found joy in knowing how much I have grown since I began writing this book over six years ago. I have learned so much about myself and gained many new strengths.

Tonight I was disappointed in another's perception of my healing. An old friend gingerly announced she was pregnant. She seemed nervous both to tell me the news and of my reaction. My friend preempted the news with, I completely understand if you don't want to reply to this message.

I am upset this friend does not know me well enough to understand that I totally accept her news and am genuinely happy for her. It has been over six years since we lost our son. Surely after all these years I don't deserve to still be treated with kid gloves, like I may fall apart at any moment. Why would I need the same understanding and compassion now I needed six years ago?

I am not sure why this treatment and assumption angers me. I guess I just see it as another sign that people do not understand how to behave around women who have lost a child.

This inspires me to continue to raise awareness on this topic.

Blessings,
Narelle Hudson

Friday, 18 November 2016

Holding The Baby Dream

Hi everyone. I know there hasn't been a post for a little while but I hope this one is worth the wait! I promised earlier in the year that my book about infertility: 'Holding The Baby Dream' would be finished by the end of the year.

Well...the book is with my editor now and should be edited in the next few weeks. Then I will have to check changes and approve them. Of course after that there will be formatting and a cover to design.

I am throwing a spanner in the works by travelling overseas during the Christmas and New Year period also. So we are not quite there yet but we are on track for early 2017 I think.

Yes. I say 'we' because I know many of you have been on this journey with me for a while now. I appreciate all your support and patience. I thank you for your presence and I am so excited to share my book with you all in the not too distant future.

Love and blessings,

Narelle Hudson

Sunday, 30 October 2016

The conversation! - Ed Sheeran - Small Bump [Official Video] -


Have loved this song ever since I heard it. Yes, I have cried when I have listened to it at times but it is such an important message that needs to be shared.

I have seen how many people have viewed this video and how many comments have been left.

I have read many of the comments. Some relate to the words and compare them to their own similar past experiences, as I do. Others hear the words and compare this experience to a different grief and loss experience they have had. Others do not understand the sentiments behind the words personally but are still moved by the tragedy of the lyrics. Others want to turn the song off because it is too painful. Still others think it is too sad a topic to be shared and it just makes them too sad to listen to it.

There are comments from pregnant women, people who have lost babies and people who are young and have not even entered that phase of their life yet.

All these comments have one thing in common, they have started a conversation about a difficult, taboo topic. I love how music, and all the creative arts open conversations and allow people to heal. This is the dream for my blog/book. I want to start/continue the conversation. I don't have a voice like Ed Sheeran but I am hoping my book will touch you as deeply as this song.




Blessings,

Narelle Hudson.

Thursday, 20 October 2016

Reminders

 
I recently got a tattoo.  It consists of my sons tiny footprints, his name and the date of his birth. It is on my shoulder to symbolise the heavy weight I have carried on my shoulders. Being on my shoulder blade I can hide it when I choose and reveal it at other times.
It is strange really. When I told people I was getting a second tattoo they were excited, thinking I was so brave and cool. When they asked what design I was getting and I told them they got a little quieter.
When they asked to see it after it was done I am not sure what they expected. But I am sure it was not what they saw.
They responded with: 'cute little footprints' and then looked confused as they read the name River. I would say that was my son and they were his footprints. Then they would go quiet and walk away or change the subject. Few people asked about my son or my experience.
It is weird how uncomfortable death and pain make other people when they did not even know the person who died.
My family could not understand how the tattoo would not make me sad every time I saw it. For me it makes me smile. I love the memory of you permanently printed on my shoulder. It is just funny others can't always handle seeing it and being reminded.

Saturday, 17 September 2016

Walking A Similar Path...


Sometimes even those you least expect are walking a similar path. I went to see a new GP today.  She collected my medical history and we spoke about my journey through IVF and about my son, River.
We also spoke about travel, as I got a list of the injections I needed for my next overseas holiday to China. She spoke of how it was hard for her to travel as she had a two year old son.

The consultation continued and I made a joke about how comfortable I was with medical procedures after all the rounds of IVF. She admitted that she was the same and confided that she had been through IVF to have her first son and she were trying again now for a sibling for her son. She made a point to say that she wasn't being greedy about having a second child and they were not trying too hard. I was not sure if this comment was for my benefit, considering I had just told her of my loss.

My doctor was very professional and she did not divulge the details of her experiences with IVF but I felt we had a silent understanding; without the words needing to be said. When I said the whole experience was an emotional roller coaster she nodded with a slight smile. She didn't need to agree out loud; her eyes divulged that she knew exactly what I meant and understood.

As I left the doctor's surgery I was reminded again how many women are walking a path similar to mine. In fact, you don't have to scratch the surface too deeply to uncover the difficulties others share with you. Again things have been confirmed for me that this is not a topic to be secretive about and hold close to my chest. There are so many people out there waiting for an opening to share how they feel; and hoping someone else understands even a little of what they are going through.

This is my gift! Sharing my story with others to shine a light on them so they no longer feel so alone. To wrap them with my blankets of understanding just by being able to listen to their story and not turn away in embarrassment.

Blessings and light,

Narelle Hudson



Sunday, 4 September 2016

ROAR!


I thought of you today....

All of you out there, following my blog or yet to discover it. I thought of my past and how I have coped with everything life has thrown at me. Of all of you who may be struggling emotionally with infertility.

I reflected on how hard it can be to be an adult sometimes and how freeing it would be if we could drop all our shackles of adulthood and be childlike again.

I was at the mall today and wandered into a public restroom.

I was greeted by a little boy, all of about four years old, still innocent enough not to have let society shape him into anyone apart from his true authentic self.

This little boy reminded me of how free I would like to be, or how much I have struggled over the years to keep all of my emotions pent up inside me without expression.

As I turned the corner to walk into the restroom I was greeted by a huge ROAR as a little boy stood in front of the full-length mirror at the entrance to the female toilets. He was standing before the mirror making a face and screaming at his reflection. His mother was beside him looking concerned for my reaction. I couldn't help but smile back and laugh with joy.

While the mother paused anxiously for my reaction, the little boy was oblivious to even having an audience, nor did he care.

I wished in my times of pain and suffering I had have been as free and unrestricted as this little boy and could have screamed and yelled more than merely stuffing things down and trying to look like I was coping when I was really falling apart.

The challenge I put to you all is to let go of your screams of anguish instead of choking them down to remain steady and strong in your wildest storm.

I understand we don't all have the freedom to act childlike in our adult world without being judged or scheduled for psychiatric treatment. However, I do believe it would be so healing for the soul.

Imagine if, wherever you are right now when you read this, you could be free enough to cry, yell, scream, roar or laugh. If you are brave enough - just do it! Be your authentic self.

Would love to hear how you go with this challenge, all comments welcome.

Love and light,

Narelle Hudson


Tuesday, 26 July 2016

Dreams

I have been trying to find myself again for quite a while now, probably since the night you left this earth, my beautiful son. Snippets of myself have gradually come back over the years, but I still don't feel like the person I once was, and I realise I never could be.

At first I thought it just wasn't possible to ever find those pieces again and I gave up hope that I still possessed them. Then I realised those same optimistic, hopeful pieces were not there in the same form to grasp again because they had changed shape. At first, I saw this as a negative thing; that my youthful hope and optimism had dissipated with the harsh realities of adulthood. That my loss and grief had washed away my sweet innocence that you can have everything if you want it badly enough.

I had wanted you so badly, to be a mother so badly, that I succumbed to the fact that perhaps not all is possible; even if you want it with every breath that you take and every piece of your soul. Over time this positivity of being able to reach for my dreams, no matter how far away they seemed, and grab hold of them with confidence slowly waned. I found myself not dreaming as freely or imagining as vividly as before.

I also had times where I dreamed of great things again but instead of being strong and able to withstand many, many, knockbacks, like I had when I was trying to become a mother, I felt deflated and pushed down after only a couple of falls. It was as though I was so exhausted from struggling to secure my baby dream, for so long, that I no longer had the energy to hold onto another dream for dear life or imagine that it would come true in time. Time had alluded me before and I didn't feel like I had more to waste. So ironically I wasted huge amounts of time by not even reaching for the dreams I still dreamed.

The dream I have held for longer, than the dream I had to be a mother, is the dream to be an author. I know I am a writer. For as much as I have tried to turn off my writing, even in  my blackest moments of pain, I have not been able to turn off my words. Writing always makes me feel content and peaceful in myself, like I am home. Whether the words come with a smile of contentment or torrents of tears, they always allow me to feel cleansed of my hurts and free to be truly myself.

I have tried to push this dream aside, to put it on the back burner, to escape the pain the words can bring, to escape the disappointment another lost dream could bring. However I can't lose this dream. It is me and it has followed me throughout my whole life. It is not going anywhere. It will remain whether I share it with the world or just with my paper and pen. I write because I am a writer. I will not cease being me just because I fear the words I write won't reach the whole world, as I envision them to. Imagine if all the talented writers who have been knocked back before didn't fight for their dreams. There would probably be no books to read. Nothing important comes without a struggle. But never let the fear of not achieving the dream stop you from starting the journey. After all I have always found the journey more meaningful than the destination.

Yes, I have finished three books before, seen them through and self-published them. However, this book seems like a mammoth task that has been over 6 years in the making, thus far, and although it is probably 90% finished still seems a world away. It has brought more tears than any book I have written before it and taken longer to complete. I know how important it is to share and I commit to finishing it for all of you to read. Help me stay accountable friends because I feel it is very much needed in this world. Thank you for your support.

Until next time,

Blessings,

Narelle Hudson

Sunday, 12 June 2016

Time


Time has been my theme this week.

My brother had a serious accident this week, flying on his push bike through the windscreen of a car and getting up to walk away.... he could have quite easily been killed in those moments. But he was saved.

Tonight I heard that a 22 year-old singer Cristina Grimmie, was shot and killed by a stranger whilst signing autographs. My eyes welled up for the grief I know her loved ones must be feeling and I send my prayers to them. She was not saved.

These incidents remind me yet again to appreciate everyone in my life for you just never know how long you have anyone.

These incidents remind me of one of the passages in my yet to be released book: 'Holding the Baby Dream'.

Here is another excerpt that I hope will allow you to feel more understood or more open to help another who you know is going through this pain:

I understand you were only ever meant to exist in your human form for less than one hour, but I cherish those forty-five minutes more than any other forty-five minutes of life. In those precious moments I had a son and I had fulfilled my greatest dream of being your mother. I had allowed other dreams to manifest. I had given birth naturally and I had allowed your beautiful father to be a parent again with me. It was short lived! It was never meant to last forever.

But, really when you think about it, nothing ever lasts forever. It was magical in the moments it lasted. All these years later it still seems incredible that I got to give birth to you, hold you and love you. You made all my dreams a reality. I am forever thankful, as I try not to look at the years I missed, but to hold onto the precious minutes I had. All special experiences are over before you can grab onto them fully. Those miraculous experiences pop suddenly, without warning, like balloons. I was just very lucky that I got to hold onto you for long enough that I will never forget how amazed I was that I helped to create you.
I realise to some our time may not seem like a lot. To me it was a priceless gift that helped me feel complete. And still I understand how fortunate I am to have been able to know you for as long as I did. I knew you for those twenty-three weeks and two days that you grew inside me, as well as for those forty-five minutes you were in my arms and your fathers.

When your little heart stopped beating I knew my time with you here on earth was over, but I have always felt like a different person from the moments we shared. You have made me grow as a person in so many ways. Here I am nearly six years later, still growing. You have gifted me with a story, not too dissimilar to others stories, that I hope to share with the world if only to allow others to know someone else understands at least a snippet of what they have gone through on their own private journey through loss.
For we all meet many people as we journey through this thing called life. Some people stay with us for mere moments, while others occupy many of our days or even years. However the length of time some loved ones spend in our lives is not always equivalent to or representative of their value. I have had many, many encounters with some people who have never touched me in a way you did in those sacred moments my beloved son. You and I shared time together quickly but the love I felt was very real and in great abundance.


Please feel free to share your thoughts...

Blessings and Light,

Narelle Hudson

Saturday, 7 May 2016

Mother's Day - your birthday and the day you passed.


Mothers Day; also conveniently the birthday of our son, River, and the day that he passed. Divine or just cruel? There will always be a mixture of celebration and grief in this day.

To make matters worse it is the day that most females celebrate being a mother. I feel torn. What am I meant to celebrate? Is it that I was your mother, while you grew inside me for 23 weeks and 2 day or is it that I held you for forty-five minutes? Yes, I can find joy in this and I feel blessed for every moment we had together.

But, how can I find joy in this day when this is the day you magically arrived in our lives too early and then left way too soon? This is the day you were taken as quickly as you came.

Today, if you were still here with us, you would be 6 years old. Someone said to my husband the other day, when he showed emotion, 'but that was such a long time ago'. Why must grief have a time limit at all? If you can function in the every day and then just feel overly sad or emotional on anniversaries does this not mean you are merely human? I don't believe there can be an exact measure of time that it takes to get over the death of a son.

Time is a funny concept, it can go so slowly if you are waiting for something special to arrive or go so fast if you are enjoying yourself. Where grief is concerned I believe time matters little.

I, myself cope so much better these days than I have in the past. On a day-to-day basis I cope well with my grief and feel blessed that you were my son. I speak with people on a regular basis, at work, who are trying to be the best parent they can be and even when I can clearly hear that they are not doing so well, I can accept that this was just not my path. I believe I am able to feel blessed that I was a part of your life and that you were a part of mine.

That is why it is so strange that I can feel so strong and then your birthday/Mother's Day arrives and it knocks me over again.

But I congratulate myself on the strength it has taken to get to this point. I give myself permission to feel low for this day and to reflect. Knowing it is not unreasonable after everything I have been through to have an off day on a day as monumental as this one. I need to be kind to myself as in general I believe humans are pretty hard task-masters on themselves and don't allow themselves this time to feel.

Mostly I am sorry that I made my mother cry on Mother's Day when I burst into tears when she wished me Happy Mother's Day. Mostly I am thankful for my husband who always has been my rock whenever I have needed support.

To all of you out there. Happy Mother's Day, no matter what state this day finds you in, know you are special and everything is meant to be just what it is; for you right now in this moment.

Blessings,

Narelle Hudson

Saturday, 19 March 2016

Afraid to write this book

It has been a little while since I have blogged. I have been writing infrequently. Here is a little of the reasoning behind why sometimes there have been spaces in my writing...


In many ways I have been afraid to write this book. For a writer, this is very difficult; being afraid to do what it is that you do naturally to help you through your fears and healing. I have never felt this way about writing before. I used to write because I loved it and it would give me an adrenaline rush like no other. I used to write because the words would practically fall out of me and I felt like I had no other option than to madly scribble them down on any scrap of paper I could get my hands on. ATM receipts, backs of old envelopes, bills; anything that was close at hand when the words started cascading through my brain and needed to be released. There have, of course, been some of these moments whilst writing this book. However, of late, more often than not I have consciously filled my moments with meaningless things to avoid tapping back into those dark places of hurt. Afraid to disturb them again for fear of the emotions they may reveal that I mostly feel like I have already faced the worst of many, many times.

The words, my pain, seem like an unpredictable wild beast who I do not want to nudge in case he wakes again; as he has many times before. I have done so well to sometimes escape, but mostly survive his vicious claws of grief and I do not wish to re-open any of that pain again. That pain is so familiar to me. Like a bad dream, it seems a little hazy to me, all of these years later, however not blurry enough for me to have forgotten the deep, aching stings it gave, the torrents of tears it caused and the heavy blows it dealt.

I have never been the type to deny my pain and walk around it. I have spent much time walking through the treacherous jungle, which has been my grief. I have fallen, more than once, into those deep holes, which I thought initially were just a path covered by leaves. I have been knocked over more times than I like to remember and I guess that once the worst of the deep-seated grief had passed I feared that it would return if I rehashed it all with my words.

I have procrastinated and prolonged this story from being written longer than I would have liked; however I know that it could only be written when it was time. Now that the time has come and the words flow again I know I was never meant to share my story sooner. Perhaps one might say this was due to my emotional readiness; however I know it was much, much more than this. I was never able to avoid all the pain involved in recalling this journey through my innermost thoughts. I have endured those days, many in fact, where I scribbled down my thoughts awash with tears.

In retrospect I know this is when the most beautiful and deepest feelings were recorded. This process has not only been healing for me, but I hope also healing for you, the reader. As I write now I feel somewhat more detached from this dark pain. It still lingers around the edges, no doubt, as no doubt it always will. However it does not pull me to a standstill any longer, frozen with a loss so unbearable I wondered what the point was in continuing forwards.

This change, progress if you like, allows me to see that the hardest parts are already written and the end of this cathartic journey for self is almost over. This journey was always meant to come to an end, and when I say journey I refer to this book. It had to end, as all books do. I am not na├»ve enough    to believe that this means my soul is miraculously healed and I have totally cured myself of all which I have endured. Although I do feel much stronger now than when this journey began. I also know this means another journey is about to begin.

Now, instead of keeping these words to myself, to heal my own loss and grief; I extend these words to you, the reader, like a loving embrace. Hoping this story will warm your heart and make you feel a little more understood and perhaps stronger for the road ahead. And, yes, you may receive these words as a loving embrace of understanding at times but, I warn you, at other times, these words may come as heavy blows or result in a torrent of tears. Ultimately I pray these words help you with your journey.

Try not to be afraid of these emotions as they present themselves in the same way I tried not to feel them as I dredged them back up so that I could deliver them. Know that it is only by walking through our greatest fears and pain that we can come out of the dark jungle of sadness and into the healing light of the present to build our new future with greater understanding, compassion and awareness.  
Until next time,

Blessing,

Narelle Hudson

Sunday, 21 February 2016

Greater support


Well today I had hoped to wake up and receive the news that I was Hay House's next new author. This was my dream and I was prepared for this dream to come into fruition. Four other authors were announced as the winners this morning, and sadly my name was not one of them. I must congratulate the writers who were chosen as they are all special and seem to be spreading the light and love very brightly.

However a slight shadow spreads across my message as I wanted desperately for it to be available to you all as soon as possible. This setback may delay my book but it will not end my journey. In the past this would have devastated me and I would have given up hope that I was meant to be a writer. But as a 36 year-old woman, who has already been through her fair share of what life has to throw at me, I realise this is not the end, just another hurdle. I am a writer and no one can take that away from me.

Perhaps the universe has another path for my book. This means the fight to get my book out there may be a little tougher, but hey, I have been through tough before and here I am stronger for the battle. My book: 'Holding the Baby Dream' is a story of fighting, how apt that I need to continue to fight for its release. None of the famous authors got there easily. Some of my greatest inspirations: Wayne Dyer and Louise L Hays got there only through many knock backs at first.

I am willing to take this challenge. Yes, I will require more support from all of you out there reading this blog but I will finish this book in 2016 and try and get it out to the world myself, no matter what this takes. Even if I have to go around the country with my books in the boot of my care, as Wayne Dyer did before he was a New York Times best seller.

I promise you I will continue the fight so that the world can benefit from my messages about Infertility and IVF. I believe my story is that important that it must be read!

I thank you all for your support so far and I ask that you continue to support me in any small way you can. I know you all know others who are sharing this journey or infertility and IVF so I would be very grateful if you would share this blog with them also.

You can support me by simply continuing to read my blog (this already means so much) or you can:
Like my Facebook page:  https://www.facebook.com/NarelleHudsonSoulHealing/?ref=hl
Follow my blog: narellehudson.blogspot.com
Follow my utube channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/narellehudson
or buy my already published books/kindles on Amazon.com: http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=narelle+hudson

Of course only support me in anyway you feel guided to do so. Know that I already feel the love and support just by seeing the amount of people who are reading this blog.

What else is possible?

Until next time,

Narelle Hudson

Sunday, 14 February 2016

Find meaning in the suffering

I did not write this myself but I found this beautiful piece of writing very inspiring...it seems to symbolise what I hope to do by writing this book: 'Holding the Baby Dream'.

Thought I would share so that you could try to find some meaning in the suffering you have no doubt endured in your life.

'Suffering is part of the human condition that no one escapes in their lifetime, and that it may be more despairing for some than others... You must teach people to find meaning in their suffering, and in so doing they will be able to turn their personal tragedies into personal triumphs'.

Written by Viktor Frankl

Monday, 11 January 2016

Other people's new babies - joyous or terrifying?


I realised today how far I have actually come.

I have come to a place where I actually want to see other people's baby photos.
A place where I scroll down the Facebook feeds and actually pause to look at my friends latest baby photos, with a smile.

This is such a lovely place to be compared to the dark places I have been before.
I feel so peaceful knowing that I can be happy for my friends little miracles and ooh and ahh like all the 'normal' women around me.

Those dark days now seem like a distant memory, but they are not forgotten.
I remember scrolling through the news feed on Facebook and when I got to friend's baby pictures I would feel all bitter and twisted inside. I would feel jealous and annoyed and even angry. Angry at the universe for not letting me have that privilege. Annoyed that I did not have my wishes answered; when the sheer volume of these pictures clearly proved that everyone else could have a baby. Each picture was a very clear reminder of everything I was enduring and that it was not working out. Then I would feel guilty for feeling these horrible emotions in the first place for my friends in their times of joy.

Then I would just avoid Facebook altogether, unless it was a day I felt like doing some 'emotional cutting' to toughen myself up and immune myself to the pain of it all.

If you are in this place right now, trust me, I understand your pain and your emotions better than all those 'normal' ladies who can ooh and ahh over a baby picture any time of the day.

If this is you right now I want you to know that this grief phase will pass my beautiful friend. There will come a day soon where you will be able to find joy in other people's baby miracles. I know you think that this will only be possible when you have your own baby miracle. I thought this too once. Although I know now, from personal experience, that you can find joy in other people's blessings, even when you are not bestowed with the same blessing yourself.

Of course it takes time. So be patient with yourself my friend. However, one day soon you will feel 'normal' again, even if right now it is very hard to imagine.

Until next time,

Blessings and light,

Narelle Hudson.

Friday, 1 January 2016

Happy 2016 to those struggling with fertility concerns and to those who have had success.

Happy 2016 to all of you!

Happy 2016 to those who are struggling with fertility issues and hoping 2016 is the year you will finally become pregnant or give birth to a healthy baby.

Happy 2016 to those of you who have walked the hard roads through IVF and are now pregnant and awaiting your first child. (One beautiful friend comes to mind in particular, you know who you are T.).

Happy 2016 to those of you who have recently welcomed your baby into the world after all the difficult mountains you had to climb. (Another lovely childhood friend comes into mind, you know who you are K.)

Happy 2016 to those of you who have suffered great losses and are feeling battered and bruised by life.

Happy 2016 to those of you who have helped a loved one through their own personal struggles of infertility and you have never wavered or walked away - but remained by their side throughout all the storms they have faced.

I, myself am looking forward to a beautiful 2016, filled with much love, peace and joy.

2016 is the year my beautiful son, River would have turned 6. I feel blessed every day that I think of my beautiful angel baby and the precious moments, although fleeting, that he spent with us, down here on earth.

2016 is the year I believe my book: 'Holding the Baby Dream' will be completed and ready for you all to finally have a copy of.

2016 is the year that my book may be selected by the famous publishing house (that will remain anonymous for now) and prepared so it can be that much closer to reaching millions of you on the shelves in bookstores.

Happy 2016 to you all, no matter where you sit under our beautiful moon tonight!  To a year of many untold possibilities and dreams coming true for each and every one of you.

Blessings and light,

Narelle Hudson

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Dear Readers, I have been so busy since my last post promoting and sharing my new book: The Baby Dream Learning to Live with Infertility and...